Saying No Is Such a Good Way to Say Yes to Yourself

I had lunch with a friend a few weeks ago who was working through some questions about a relationship. As we talked, it became clear that what she really needed was to set some boundaries.

She wasn’t prioritizing herself enough. She had goals and things she wanted to do, but she wasn’t making enough room for them. It was easy to think the relationship was the problem, but the more we talked, the more it seemed like the real issue was the boundaries she was setting around the relationship.

As I was talking with her about it, I started talking about some of my own experiences with boundaries. And then, after I left lunch, I found myself thinking about my own life.

It was interesting how helping someone else think through a problem made me realize that I had a similar problem of my own.

One of the things I’ve wanted to do all summer is spend more time outside and get out into nature. But I realized that one of the reasons I haven’t done it is because I’ve been making commitments to other people before I’ve really asked myself what I want to do with my time.

For example, I have a friend who is always scheduling golf. And when she asks if I want to play, it’s easy to say yes. I enjoy spending time with her, and I enjoy golf.

But when I keep saying yes to plans a week or two in advance, I’m filling up my calendar before I’ve even stopped to think about what I want to do with that time.

Maybe I wanted to go for a hike. Maybe I wanted a Saturday with nothing planned. Maybe I wanted to make plans with someone else. Or maybe I just wanted to see where the day took me.

The thing I realized is that I was almost guarding the friendship by always saying yes.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Friendships are important. But I was putting the friendship ahead of something else that was important to me: making space for the things I wanted to do with my own time.

It made me think about how saying no can actually be a really good way to say yes to yourself.

Because every time we say yes to something, we’re also saying no to something else.

We just don’t always think about it that way.

When someone asks us to do something, the request is right there in front of us. It needs an answer. And it’s often much easier to respond to what someone else wants than to stop and ask ourselves what we want.

The things we’ve committed to ourselves don’t usually come knocking on the door.

That’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

Just last week, a friend asked if I would be interested in starting a business together. My immediate response was, “Yeah, that sounds really interesting.”

And it did sound interesting. I was flattered that she thought of me, and I could immediately see all kinds of possibilities.

But when I went home and started thinking it through, I found myself looking at it differently.

Instead of just asking, Do I want to do this?, I started asking, What would saying yes to this mean for all of the other things I want to do?

And that question changed everything.

I realized that even though the business idea was interesting, saying yes would mean giving up time and energy that I had already decided I wanted to put toward other things.

It wasn’t really about whether the opportunity was good or bad.

It was about whether it was right for me right now.

That feels like a different way of thinking about boundaries.

Sometimes setting a boundary isn’t about keeping something out. It’s about protecting something you’ve already decided matters to you.

It’s saying:

I said I wanted to do this.

I said this was important to me.

I want to make sure I actually leave room for it.

And sometimes that means saying no to something else.

Someone might be disappointed. You might miss out on something fun. Someone else might find another person to play golf with. You might have to let go of an opportunity that sounds exciting.

Those are real trade-offs.

But I’ve been realizing that there are trade-offs whether we consciously choose them or not. If I automatically say yes to whatever comes up, I’m still making a choice about how I spend my time. I’m just letting everyone else’s requests make the choice for me.

So I’m trying something different.

Before I say yes to someone else, I want to remember what I’ve already said yes to myself.

What are the things I said I wanted to make time for?

What goals have I committed to?

What do I want more of in this season of my life?

And am I actually leaving room for those things?

This is one of the ideas I’ve been thinking about a lot as I build something new. I’m working on an app designed to help people keep the things they’ve committed to themselves visible and in focus—not just the things that everyone else is asking of them.

Because I think it’s easy to lose sight of our own priorities when we’re constantly responding to everything around us.

Sometimes saying no isn’t about doing less.

It’s about making room for what you’ve already said yes to.

And that might be one of the best reasons to say no.