Book Review: Lean In by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg

This weekend I read Lean In, by Sheryl Sandberg. While there has been much debate about Sanberg’s suggestions that women do more to take ownership of their own lack of representation in the workforce and as world leaders, I found her take on the reasons and prescription for change heartfelt and genuine.

In defense of her stance, she makes clear that while women can do much to help themselves, that does not mean that institutions and society do not need to change as well. She considers it a classic “chicken and egg” problem and suggests that we fight on both fronts – how we can change ourselves and how institutions should change.

Below are a few references to passages and points I found most intriguing.

All pages are referencing the Lean In hardbound version of the book.

Wow, I thought, when reading this:

Gymboree once sold onesies saying “Smart like Daddy” and “Pretty like Mommy” and JC Penny sold a shirt “I’m too pretty to do homework so my brother has to do it for me” – and this wasn’t in the 1950’s, this was in 2011! (page 19)
In 1975, stay at home mothers spent an average of 11 hours per week on primary child care (routine caregiving and activities that foster a child’s well-being, such as reading and full focused play). Today, stay at home mothers spend about 17 hours per week on primary childcare, while mothers who work outside the home spent about 11 hours. An employed mother today spends the same time on primary child care as a nonemployed mother did in 1975. Today, a “good mother” s always around and always devoted to the needs of her children. Sociologists call this new phenomenon “intensive mothering” and it has culturally elevated the importance of women spending large amounts of time with their children. (pages 134-145)

Interesting/discussion points

Her parents emphasized the importance of pursuing a meaningful life. Dinner discussions often centered on social injustive and those fighting to make the world a better place. As a child, she didn’t think about what I wanted to be, but thought a lot about what I wanted to do. She hoped to change the world. (page 55)
“Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that impact lasts in your absence” – from Harvard Business School’s new definition of leadership (page 157)
After telling a story of a navy woman who was the first female officers on the U.S. Submarine Force. The woman said a year later that she was very accepted by her crew, but that she received a lot of resentment from the navy wives, forcing her to defend her career choice and more. Sandberg uses this to demonstrate the point that we must, as women, rise above pulling each other down this way. “True equality will be achieved when we all fight the stereotypes that hold us back. Feeling threatened by others’ choices pulls us all down. Instead, we should funnel our energy into breaking this cycle.” Sandberg says. (page 168)

I like that she uses the argument that 50% of our population is being held back to justify the reason for change. I was surprised how much time she devoted to making homelife more equal between husband’s and wive’s, I have strived for 60/40 knowing that 50/50 may be too unattainable… and until this book, I haven’t heard of anyone arguing for men to stay home as the caretaking parent equally as much as women. I’ve kind of accepted that women will always be more nurturing and more interested in playing that role, while men will always have more of an ego-driven by the need to succeed professionally. Maybe I need to reexamine my own buy-in to these stereotypes.

The point of the book: “I am hoping that each man will do his part to support women in the workplace and in the home, also with gusto. As we start using the talents of the entire population, our institutions will be more productive, our homes will be happier, and the children growing up in those homes will no longer be held back by narrow stereotypes.” (page 171)

Parenting

Sandberg declares that this book is for women and men both, but she never outright says what came to mind many times for me – that this book is also for parents. Because, who else is most likely to manifest some of these new notions than the next generation.

I have read many times how important it is to acknowledge that you understand another person’s feelings first before trying to resolve conflict. I liked this implementation of that Sandberg grew up with:

Growing up, her parents required that when siblings got in an argument, they acknowledged the other person’s feelings. Reflecting someone’s viewpoint clarifies the disagreement and becomes a starting point for resolution (page 81)

Right after reading this book, my youngest daughter was screaming at me in a tantrum about something she wanted, and while I kept asking her if she could just be quiet for two minutes, we’d talk after. Then, finally, thinking of the importance of acknowledging emotions, I said “I understand that you want to sleep in my bed tonight, but I need you to be quiet for 2 minutes” – and she immediately went quiet. Amazing how that works!

Women and the workplace

“We need more portrayals of women as competent professionals and happy mothers – or happy professionals and competent mothers. The current images make us laugh, but they also make women feel unnecessarily fearful by presenting life’s challenges as insurmountable. Our culture often says ‘I don’ t know how she does it'” (page 24)

Sandberg suggests that women and men bring their whole selves to work. She says there should not be a “professional self” Monday thru Friday and a “real” self the rest of the time. “Instead of putting on an all-work persona, we benefit from talking about personal situations and acknowledging that professional decisions are emotionally drive.” (page 89)

Sharing duties as husband and wife

Sandberg says it is important for women to ask a husband to do things, and to let him do it his way. “If he does things his way (even if you don’t like it) he’ll find the correct end. But if he’s forced to do things her way, pretty soon she’ll be doing them herself. Each partners needs to be in charge of specific activities or it becomes too easy for one to feel like he’s doing a favor instead of doing his part.” (page 109)
For women, she says, the question should not be “Can I do it all?” but “Can I do what’s most important for me and my family?” (page 139)

Takeaways

Any book that provides such thought-provoking suggestions is worth reading, and given how quick of a read it is and the fact that the author has a breadth and depth of experience in the workplace and a world leader (Time named her in 2013 as one of the most influential people in the world), it’s definitely worth the read, in my opinion.

One of the most important takeaways I had from the book is the clear passion she has for her job. What if we all felt so passionately about our jobs that we were willing to make the sacrifices she does? I say this, because I know as a person (read mom) who has balanced work and raising young children, it is surely a sacrifice to spend such long hours away from home and family – one that working men have made for generations but done so with the expectation to do so. And Sheryl Sandberg works much longer hours than I have ever done.

If the book made me question at all the stereotypes that I have accepted over the past decade as I’ve become a mom – which it did – it has helped me pull some of those layers off a bit more as I think about raising my kids. She cites a very interesting study called the Heidi/Howard study (pages 39-40) where people read a story about a successful business person – and whom the readers concluded was likeable when they named her “Heidi” and unlikeable when they named her “Howard.” This and a few more studies Sandberg cited pointed out how differently we treat boys and girls from day one (even parents talk to their male versus female babies differently as infants). I already find myself trying to reduce this effect with my kids – picturing my daughters as a boy in certain situations and asking myself if I would respond differently.

Lastly, this book gave me the sense of possibility. It made me think about what I am most passionate about, and how I can integrate that into my days, my life and career even more.

I continue to ponder the work/family balance and where I feel I belong in between these passions. Specific questions I continue to dwell on after reading the book:

What do I wish to see in the world? What do I wish for my kids?
If I were 85, what would I want to be able to say that I’ve done?
What do I want my kids to know and be capable of as adults? How do I talk to them now to prepare them?