Just when I thought it was smooth sailing from here on out

My son’s team won their year-end soccer tournament today. It was an exciting moment – one that most of the parents, siblings, coaches and kids were able to celebrate and enjoy. Unfortunately, despite being at the soccer fields, I didn’t see much of the game. Instead…

You may have noticed me today. I was the one dragging the crying/screaming toddler across the soccer field.

I thought I was done with major meltdowns and tantrums. I thought I was safe to go and enjoy my time as an adult without fear of it being sabotaged by a breakdown by my children. That’s what we do when we our mothers of babies – we approach every event or public outing with the knowledge that we may or may not a) be able to stay; b) make it through the event with clean clothing and/or c) have a good time, for in reality we may just be caretaking without really digesting what anyone has said to us.

But I’m a parent of big kids now – 3,5 & 8. They can do so much on their own – make themselves snacks, brush their own teeth, take out and clean up their own toys, and even read their own books (well, one of them).

The potential for a major meltdown in the midst of the final playoff soccer game was a thing of the past.

Or so I thought. Until I insisted that my 3-year-old not only leave the playground to go watch the game with me but also put on and let me tie her shoe (yes, just one shoe, because she decided it was mismatch day so the other shoe was velcro).  The 5-year old had already negotiated a full 12 minutes of playground time before we headed over to the game. And she had already started working on negotiations to come back to the playground later. That is the beauty of children as they get older, they may not give up on what they want any quicker, but their approach is a lot more palatable.

The 3-year-old, on the other hand, stood her ground that her shoe was not to be tied (ok, I’ll concede that one) and that she was not leaving the playground. And, it’s not like we hadn’t had this battle before. But, usually, I win. And it’s not so hard to win. I tell her that she doesn’t make up the rules and she concedes and we move on.

But not today.

It’s when you’re not prepared for these mini-battles of wills that you get the most thrown off. Had I known she was going to dig in her heels, if it was her style to always dig in her heels, I would’ve been prepared. I wouldn’t have tried to reason with her, I wouldn’t have pulled her aside and given her a second, nor a third, chance, to come around. I’ve been there before as a parent – I’ve learned that the best way to squelch misbehavior is to be firm upfront. But, you see, my third child doesn’t generally misbehave, she doesn’t usually cause huge waves or ripples that force me to rethink why I even bothered to try to get out of the house and do something I enjoyed in the first place.

And so, with coffee in hand, instead, I walked angrily across the field with my then agreeable five-year-old (there’s nothing like having an inconsolable sibling to make the others get in line) and a tantrumming, sobbing, 3-year-old storming behind me. I rarely ever have to deal with a misbehaving child in public. And I instantly remembered how difficult it can be… I didn’t want to force everyone on the soccer field to listen to her sobbing, nor did I want everyone to have to listen to my harsh tone of voice back.

Luckily for all of us parents who feel awful having a crying child, it usually only seems to be ourselves who think our child is being ridiculously loud. I’ve noticed this when I see other moms immediately take their babies away at the first peep of a cry when in a group. And I could tell that was probably true today as another mom came up to me, barely acknowledging the crying child, while I was fuming steam, and casually ask me about the pizza party later.

In the end, there was no turning the tantrum around and I had to threaten, and then follow-through with, the threat that we would leave if she continued being inflexible. In retrospect, I may have just been unprepared for her behavior and could’ve handled it much better. After all, once she’d started the tantrum but had settled down a bit, the two things that I put my foot down about were that she say “thank you” to her sister, and then, the final straw was that she wouldn’t hold my phone for me (I had been holding her and really needed two hands to do so but wanted my phone out so I could take photos of the trophy ceremony).

I dealt with crying the entire drive home, and worked so hard not to be angry. By the time we got home, we both were ready to cuddle up and read a book together and be over it. And hopefully the loss of privileges she incurred will help get her back on track with being the easy third-child we can usually count on her to be.

It’s been several years of me missing soccer games, great photo opportunities, and more, because I am a mom of young children. I thought this handicap was nearing an end. Today, I realized, it’s not quite over yet.