Why do so many mothers let their wardrobe grow old?

And do we care too much what our children wear?

I just ordered these hideous shoes for my daughter. She really likes the way they look. And while I don’t, I am learning, slowly, the importance of letting go when it comes to my childrens’ fashion decisions.

Yes, she’s only 5. But she cares quite a bit about her choices in dress, and who am I to tell her what she should wear (as long as it’s appropriate), even at this age?

Sure, it’s important that she looks presentable. That’s what I always tell my kids. It’s not that they need to look pretty, attractive, or fit into my mold of what my kids should wear. They just need to look presentable when they leave the house. Their hair should be brushed, faces washed, clothes clean, etc. (note: I don’t always succeed at this, but the point is that’s the goal).

As I forced myself to order the shoes I really don’t care for, I got to thinking about why it is that I ever did cling to the idea that my kids should wear the styles that I like for them?

Perhaps it’s just a function of motherhood. After all, when our babies first arrive, it is usually the mom (and a few well-intentioned gift-giving friends and relatives) who choose all the clothes for the first couple of years. So we get into the habit of buying clothes and outfitting our children based on our own preferences.

Are we forcing our kid’s to be an extension of our own fashion choices?

But I think that sometimes, we’ve substituted our children’s fashion for our own. We’ve all seen it, more than a few times… the parents who walk around with the most adorably dressed children, but the parents themselves are wearing old jeans, sweats or looking unkempt. They haven’t seemed to give more than an ounce of thought to their own style, but they certainly have made sure their children look great. And, while I speak of these parents as “them,” the truth is, I’ve been one of “them” before too.

I know how hard it is when you are on the other side of pregnancy, newborn in hand, perhaps breast-feeding, dealing with potential baby spit-up, diaper explosions and other side effects that come with infant caregiving. I remember not wearing more than sweats and old shirts for a good 6-12 months after my kids were born, since there really wasn’t a point in getting nice clothes ruined. Nor are nice clothes very comfortable or practical if you are breastfeeding. Add onto this the likely weight changes you experience in the year before and after childbirth. So if you don’t have a job or other requirement to look fashionable, it really doesn’t make much sense to wear anything but what works well given these necessities of baby rearing.

But at some point, all of that goes away. Our babies stop breastfeeding, stop drinking out of bottles, grow out of diapers (thank goodness), stop spilling things, pulling on us, and otherwise destroying any reason for us to wear nice clothing.

Yet, many of us continue ignoring our own fashion at this critical juncture. We fail to recognize the importance of valuing our own appearance and choose to continue focusing solely on our little ones. We justify purchasing cute clothing for them, and not ourselves, because they are growing and they have to have new clothes no matter what. And, we may feel like there’s just not enough money to buy clothes for them and for ourselves.

And if that’s you, and you really feel like you can’t buy yourself new clothes or don’t care to, that’s perfectly fine (although more later on why I think this might not be true).

But, if you are then substituting your child’s fashion choices for your own, insisting they wear a certain style or only choose the items you like, perhaps you should consider the tradeoffs between the importance of your preferences versus the importance of their freedom to create their own identity.

Why making choices can help children become better leaders

Is it possible that simple choices, like choosing the clothes to wear, can make a difference in our behavior as we grow up? I believe that children will feel a stronger sense of independence and feel freer to pursue their own sense of identity by making choices about what they wear. But research can add support to why it’s important to let your kids make these kinds of choices too.

In a study about how adults treat boys and girls differently, Susan Witt, development professor at the University of Akron, says that “The girl who knows how to make a decision or starts making decisions when she’s little, is going to be one of those girls who’s better able to make decisions and assert herself as she gets older.” And in a world where women hold only 21 leadership roles at the top 500 revenue-producing companies, and only make up 11% of heads of states, I’d say anything we can do to empower young girls is a good thing.

All in all, I’m starting to learn how important it is for my children to feel good about their own choices, rather than worrying about them conforming to my sense of who they should be.

The benefits of style for you

When I was in my 20’s, I worked alongside an amazingly intelligent woman in her 50’s, who suddenly told me one day she was getting a divorce. I felt very bad for her, but it was her one piece of advice she’d learned through her struggle that stuck with me through the years, even though I didn’t truly understand it then. She said, “Don’t forget about yourself. You will become busy taking care of your family and children… but you must not forget to do the things you love, and make time for you.”

It wasn’t until I got married and had children, and went through many months of childcare and being a working mom that I was able to take this message to heart. We, as hardworking moms, get so caught up in taking care of everyone else, it is so easy to lose our sense of self. It is so easy to feel like there’s just no time to do something we want. So much so, we often forget or are unaware of what our passions and interests even are, or could be, outside of our obligations.

In Dr. Christine Carter’s book, Raising Happiness, she calls us on the self-destructive nature of not taking care of ourselves. She compares the importance of self-care to putting on the oxygen mask first if a plane was going down. If we don’t take care of ourselves first, she writes, the repercussions are felt throughout our entire family. Children in families where both parents work, or are available less, are not less happy, after all. But children in families where parents are unhappy – indeed, they turn out to be less happy themselves. And isn’t that what we all want… for our children to be happy?

In the last two years, now that my youngest child is finally beyond the baby stages and I feel like I have been able to reclaim my place in the adult world, I’ve found that shopping, selecting, and wearing new clothes that makes me feel smart and confident has done a world of good for my independence and self-esteem.

What a new piece of clothing can do for my mood… A new shirt, new boots, or a new pair of pants can simply lifts my spirits! I have definitely realized the importance of finding great clothes and making room in my budget for making new purchases.

It’s not all I’m doing to nurture my interests and passions, but as it turns out, it fills a void and helps me put a physical, outward reflection on what I am feeling inside – that I care about myself, and I care to express myself through all that I am doing, including how I present myself to the world.

A challenge

If you enjoy how it feels to wear clothes you love, but feel like your wardrobe is a little too outdated, I challenge you to bring more of your style into your outward self. Make it a priority to choose some items you love to wear, and enjoy how it makes you feel.

And I don’t mean necessarily looking for a fancy shirt that you can only wear on special occasions or to the office. My favorite new clothing purchases often are something as simple as yoga pants or a nice soft, warm sweater.

Do you feel like new clothes don’t fit in your budget? I’ve found lots of shirts I love for $30 or less. A dinner out for my family is at least $40. So, I challenge you to skip just one meal out this month, or avoid one day of children’s activities and buy just one new shirt.

Find the stores or brands you love and let people know about them for gift-giving too. I myself, have recently found two great brands and shops (Title Nine and Patty’s Boutique which I can buy on Amazon.com) – and since they are available by catalog/online and have free returns, they are perfect for this busy mom who prefers not to spend her weekends at the mall.

And, back to your children, I challenge you to let them purchase just one item that you despise, if it makes them feel as good as that new shirt makes you feel.

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Feel free, in the comments, to share how you have let go of the need to determine your childrens’ style, or what you’ve done or plan to do to honor your own!